(spoof)Press Release
With standardized test security a national priority and triumphal ticker tape parades almost a thing of the past, multi-tasking Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings announced today an unusually practical, innovative, and culturally meaningful solution to both problems.
Faced with the pressing need for secure disposal of the estimated 2,583,440,250 standardized tests taken annually in the nation's k-12 schools as a result of the yearly testing requirements of the No Child Left Behind Act, the federal Department of Education has contracted with D C Shredding and Baling Services, a document destruction company formerly owned by Vice President Dick Cheney. A world leader in information destruction and reduction, the company's U.S. team boasts an impressive fleet of mobile shredding trucks that will service all 50 states. The units will transport the shredded waste to centralized processing facilities housing industrial balers, with final transport of the 25 lb. confetti bales to New York City for use in annual televised "ticker-tape" parades to celebrate the march toward all children performing average or above on standardized tests.
Preparing students for their roles in the 21st Century Global Economy has been my highest priority as Secretary of Education. With only months before my term as Secretary expires, what better way for me to leave office than with the inauguration of an annual cultural event to celebrate and commemorate the achievements taking place in education since the ascendancy of my friend George Bush to the presidency.Asked to comment, an obviously delighted mayor Bloomberg added, "We also envision showering test confetti over the financial district from hot air balloons."
Pressed by a reporter about the unthinkable, Spellings was asked about the potential for leaks to the public about what is on the tests.
There will be no Shreddergate. All D C Shredder employees undergo scrupulous background checks and weeks of intensive security training.
