(spoof)Unstoppable U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings is at it again. On hand today with representatives from top toy manufacturer Mattel, Spellings curtailed her trips around U.S. cities promoting charter schools long enough to announce the launch of a distinctive new line of Barbie dolls and accessories being manufactured specifically to appeal to poor and minority children as well as poor white trash children.
"From the Projects and Trailer Parks to the Ivy Leagues" is the motivational theme of the new line, which promotes the bright line testing and accountability provisions of the No Child Left Behind Act, President Bush's signature domestic achievement.
Spellings, sporting rectangular tortoise shell glasses and her trademark sassy blond haircut, raved over the line's distinctive Ivy League Apparel, an array of t-shirts, hooded sweatshirts, caps, polos, totes, and backpacks, along with tiny digital cameras and chat-with-me picture phones. In Spellings' honor the new Barbie line offers a selection of fashion eyeglasses in assorted colors, including half-frames.
Accessories include Charter Heights Dream School complete with awesome school house furniture and tiny test taking paraphernalia: standardized test booklets, practice test booklets, scantrons, test preparation flash cards, and number 2 pencils.
Test marketing indicates that by far the most compelling accessories are the tiny interactive computers (including laptops!) which actually allow children to listen, learn, and interact while Barbie and friends practice their test-taking skills. Spellings appeared to get a special kick out of pressing Barbie's tummy and hearing her recite the components of the six step writing process in addition to other vital test-taking tips.
"Well, this is the cutest Barbie stuff I've ever seen!" marveled Spellings. "Enough with curvaceous plastic molds who don't know the flippin' main idea from the supporting details!"
The new Barbie line will feature both Black and White dolls and will debut in the fall in selected Walmart stores around the country.
The 21st Century Global Economy?
Standardization.
No.
Children. Each a unique individual worth more than all the material possessions in the world. And wonderfully resistant to being standardized.
Keep on loving the children and keep on swimming upstream!
(spoof)Press ReleaseWith standardized test security a national priority and triumphal ticker tape parades almost a thing of the past, multi-tasking Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings announced today an unusually practical, innovative, and culturally meaningful solution to both problems.
Faced with the pressing need for secure disposal of the estimated 2,583,440,250 standardized tests taken annually in the nation's k-12 schools as a result of the yearly testing requirements of the No Child Left Behind Act, the federal Department of Education has contracted with D C Shredding and Baling Services, a document destruction company formerly owned by Vice President Dick Cheney. A world leader in information destruction and reduction, the company's U.S. team boasts an impressive fleet of mobile shredding trucks that will service all 50 states. The units will transport the shredded waste to centralized processing facilities housing industrial balers, with final transport of the 25 lb. confetti bales to New York City for use in annual televised "ticker-tape" parades to celebrate the march toward all children performing average or above on standardized tests.
Preparing students for their roles in the 21st Century Global Economy has been my highest priority as Secretary of Education. With only months before my term as Secretary expires, what better way for me to leave office than with the inauguration of an annual cultural event to celebrate and commemorate the achievements taking place in education since the ascendancy of my friend George Bush to the presidency.
Asked to comment, an obviously delighted mayor Bloomberg added, "We also envision showering test confetti over the financial district from hot air balloons."
Pressed by a reporter about the unthinkable, Spellings was asked about the potential for leaks to the public about what is on the tests.There will be no Shreddergate. All D C Shredder employees undergo scrupulous background checks and weeks of intensive security training.
